Nürnberg has a giant VAG

The public transportation system in Nürnberg is called VAG.  I shit you not.  I can't wait to say I rode the VAG, and it was hot and smelly.

Sometimes its the little things in life that bring me such joy.

Fucktards are everywhere

We are currently living in Düsseldorf.  It's a great city, with beautiful parks, beer gardens, and the Rhine.  Aside from my asshole neighbors (see previous post), we really like living here.  So, of course, we have to move. D'oh!  RSW's job is doing some technical mumbo-jumbo at the facilities where her company makes doohickeys.  So anyway, we're over here in Europe (hence the title of the blog...well at least the "in Europe" part...I'm an asshole on any continent) for a few years, and RSW's job means we move every 8 months or so to another place in Europe.  Next up Nürnberg.

We went there last week to look for a place to live.  The relocation consultant had the personality of a slug, and was quite possibly dumber than the aforementioned slug.  I won't bore you with specifics, but suffice it to say that we didn't come back from N-berg feeling good about our approaching relocation.  Plus, the idea of living in Hitler's little playground doesn't actually appeal to my Jewish ancestry...Ok, so nowadays I'm more Jew-"ish" than Jewish, but still, as far as assholes go, good ol' Adolf definitely has to top the list.

Unfortunately, we don't really have a say in where we go (or when we go, for that matter), so we try and make the best of it.  Our requests were fairly reasonable: A house (or apartment) with a kitchen (see previous post), that accepts dogs.  Not too hard right?  So why does our fucktard of a relo consultant take us to see not one, but two places that don't have kitchens???  Aaargh!

Since I can't punch her in the face, I have to calmly explain to her the need for a kitchen. Again.

Fuck.

An American Asshole living amongst German Assholes

I can be an asshole.  I freely admit it.  The fact that I know I can be an asshole does not excuse nor condone my asshole tendencies, rather, it sets your expectations as my (faithful) reader.  There, glad we got that out of the way.

I currently live in Germany.  RSW (Rock Star Wife) got an amazing opportunity to work overseas for a few years, so we jumped on it.  Since I was laid off (not for being an asshole btw, but for a legitimate business reason), and we were new parents to BG (baby girl), what better time?  So, we packed up some clothes, five bicycles, the dog, and got on a plane.

Neither of us speak German.  We are slowly learning it, but it is a tough language to learn.  While one day I might understand German, I will never understand Germans.  Some are incredibly nice, but some are assholes.  We knew this coming over, thanks to our Cultural training session...I naturally assumed I would get along great with these Germans, being brethren assholes and such, but alas, that ain't happening.  

German assholes have a sense of entitlement that shames even my selfish ways.  It is most definitely their way or the autobahn.  German assholes also are very sensitive...to sound, to smell, to light....

To wit: our neighbors complain about the sound our small fountain water feature makes.  Yep, they complain about one of the most soothing sounds in the world...running water.  Our other neighbors complain about the smell of our grill when we're cooking steak.  What the fuck????  These are the same people that invite 20 or 30 elephants over to their apartment on a nightly basis and line dance on their floor, AKA our ceiling.

Some other things I don't get:

1. German apartments, as a rule, do not come with a kitchen.  This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen.  You have to install your own counters, cupboards, fridge, oven, dishwasher, sink, stove, etc.

2.  Germans dont believe in garbage disposals in the sink.  Disgusting.

3.  Germans will gladly pay 6 Euros for a bottle of water, but abhor the thought of drinking tap water (I drink the tap water all the time, it's delicious).  If you try to order tap water in a restaurant, the waiter will look at you like you have three heads.

4.  You must buy all medicine (including aspirin, tylenol, imodium, tums, etc) from the pharmacists.  The "drug store" does not sell any drugs.  It is all sold at the Apotheke (pronounced aaah-po-tek-uh).

5.  If you flip someone off while driving, they can report you to the police and you can get a ticket (no, I haven't gotten a ticket yet, but only because I have shown remarkable self-restraint).

Things I like about Germany:

1. The Germans know how to make deli meat, and lots of it.

2. The Germans know how to make beer, and lots of it.

3. The Germans know how to drive, i.e., fast.  If they're not driving fast, they stay the fuck out of the left lane.

4. The Germans have an excellent public transportation system.

5. Did I mention the Germans know how to make beer?

Gotta go, the line dancing has started up again.